Day 22: Asking someone to be my mentor

It was really nerve-wracking, but worth it

I don’t know about you, but I am really happy to help other people. Asking for help for myself however seems a lot harder to do.

I mean, I’m fine asking for help for things that are wildly out of my area or knowledge base, like how to build a website or rewire something. Sure, that’s not my thing. However I have realised that the closer to what I do or feel I should be good at it that the need for help comes, the harder that help is to ask for. After all, shouldn’t I just know?

No. I shouldn’t.

I didn’t get to being an adult (lol I’m an adult) and then suddenly know all the things I need to know. Life-long learning isn’t just a catchphrase, it’s actually a thing, and something I am a huge advocate of for others AND myself. But that being so, then why did it feel so nerve-wracking to realise I wanted to ask someone to be my mentor? I guess we all have to step outside our comfort zones in order to grow.

Why it’s good to have a mentor, at any age

When I worked in schools I often set up mentorship programmes, especially in my early teaching career when it seemed I had a little more time and plenty of energy to stay long hours after school and give up lunch-breaks to oversee.. It was so deeply rewarding to train willing older students, and match them with their younger counterparts across a range of different needs. Genuinely beneficial to both parties, if done well.

That’s where we often hear of mentorships - schools. Another place you find them is within more ‘corporate’ businesses (I think, I wouldn’t know). Perhaps they’re everywhere and I just have never seen them as an adult, because although I’ve been a mentor many times and felt hugely honoured to be one, I’ve never had a mentor for myself.

Mentorship is powerful because it’s a space to reflect, spitball, think and share ideas with someone who is further ahead in their journey than you (not necessarily age dependent, but often a mentor is a little older). They may have some light to shed down some of the alleyways you get stuck in.

I’ve been working on expanding different areas that I work in, and I’m definitely outside of my knowledge and comfort zones a lot of the time. That’s actually pretty scary, because in my last full-time career in education I did end up doing pretty well and felt very comfortable knowing what I was doing (after 20 years, you’d hope so). Now, although I’m taking lots of elements of that career and using my deep knowledge and experience to build other areas I’m passionate about, I’m definitely colouring outside the lines. I’ve been working on starting my own business, and there’s a lot to learn. I’ve also been working on setting up a charity too, and that’s pretty damn daunting. Both of these things involve knowledge about business, finance, scaling, business plans, marketing, projected ‘xyz’ and other stuff that I’m learning and enjoying, but that are (mostly) new to me. YIKES.

Starting something new can be lonely

When you start something new, outside of an establishment and for yourself, it’s lonely, a bit scary and also there’s no friggin map. It’s my idea, my business and my dreams that I’m shaping. So I don’t have a boss, or anyone to go to for advice or reflection. I DO have the tremendous Tor, who works with me (more on her soon, she is an exceptional lead on all my upcoming projects and such a gift), and an bloody amazing business coach, Alice Benham (who absolutely slays and I am in awe of her work with me and others) but I have felt I needed someone else to compliment what we do. Someone removed but inspiring, who embodies the values I stand by and who could understand the themes of my work ‘vision’. Someone with huge success in some the areas I was hoping to reach one day, but who leads with humanity and kindness. I didn’t know where I might ever cross paths with such a person, but I was keeping my mind open.

And then…

Sometimes, when you least expect it…

My volunteer job at the Do Lectures this year was ‘speaker liaison’, or as we sometimes named it for a laugh, the Do Doula. After speaking there myself last year I knew how nerve-wracking it could feel, so was in a great position to make the speakers this year have a fab experience that was as smooth and positive as possible. I was very honoured to have the role and took it seriously, reading all the info and research about the speakers before they arrived. I met them at the farm, made sure they felt good, supported them before and after their talks, and was on hand to talk anything through they needed. I also got to watch their talks too and then escorted them outside for headshots, chatted through their performance and helped them field the many lovely folks came to speak with them.

I knew there was one woman in particular whose story inspired me and who I was very keen to see speak. She was so warm to be around, and friendly and kind to everyone - even when she was nervous about getting up on stage. When she did and I listened to her speak, something clicked. One of the lines in her talk was about being brave and doing hard things, and about seeing what can come next when you take steps forward into the unknown. So when she came off stage and I’d taken her to get her headshot I told her I’d heard those lines and decided to be brave myself, and wondered whether I might ask her a question a little later when she had a moment.

“Why not now? Go for it!” she answered, with a big kind smile.

So, jittery with nerves, I blurted out that I had been very moved by her talk, was inspired by her story, and wondered if she would ever consider being my mentor as I felt I had such a lot I could learn from her.

I was so busy telling her all the reasons that she didn’t need to say yes (in the same breath that I’d asked, lol) that I didn’t hear her properly until she laughed and gently touched my arm.

“Yes! Gail, I said yes. I would love to! How fab.” or words very similar. She then said that she wasn’t sure what she could give me, considering that I had done quite a lot of things already, but she’d love to see what we would come up with. (Oh my GOSH, she has so much to learn from!).

Well crikey.

I was genuinely stoked and stunned, and learned a lesson or two at the same time:

1. Shoot your shot. Ask, because you never know what might happen. What if people say yes? What if it goes in your favour? WHAT IF IT ALL WORKS OUT? Just do it (but do it with some grace, good timing and forethought of course. I had two and a half of those things. 😬 🤣)

2. Keep your eyes peeled for people who you align with, look up to, admire and can learn from. Not to only be mentors, but also to gravitate to and invite into your world in some way. It’s so easy to be in tunnel vision, not look up or never go outside of the lines, especially when things are stressful. But what you do more of and are surrounded by is often just going to generate more of the same. If you don’t like your status quo, then make a conscious effort to cultivate changes or to invite new things into your life. I had to be at Do to be able to look up from my 18 months of hell - but when you raise your head from looking at the problem the solution is often standing right in front of you, you were just too consumed to notice.

3. Even phenomenally successful people; people with Number 1 hit singles, multi-million pound businesses, CBE’s, OBE’s, international fame or name recognition (I’m mixing these up here because I am not going to tell you who this person is, as I haven’t asked her permission!) are also simply ‘people’. People who want to help, who are happy to share and connect, so don’t be afraid to ask them. Isn’t it brill that people are so kind? I like to believe most people are.

4. Don’t forget that aside from getting a mentor, I reckon you would probably be a brilliant mentor too. If you don’t feel like you would benefit from a mentor right now, have you ever thought of asking a local school or community group whether anyone there would benefit from an hour of your time once a month or more (or less), just to ask you some questions or hear your thoughts on a problem they’re facing that you yourself once faced. Cool huh, to pass lessons and thoughts on from battles that you fought, won or lost yourself. You legend, you. (I’m not telling you what to to btw, just a thought 😍)

Next steps

So, I had my first mentor meeting with my amazing mentor last week. She’s fabulous and is definitely helping me unf*ck things and confront my own f*ckery a bit.

I asked a heap of questions, explained where I was at, asked for some advice and played around with some ideas using her as a sounding board. It was joyous, interesting, useful, fun and life-affirming, and I’m SO BLOODY GLAD that I stepped out of my comfort zone to ask.

Ok, that’s all! Lol this one was meant to be short but I just got excited about mentoring and wanted to share it. Definitely more to come about unf*cking the barriers to learning and mentorship though - for myself and facilitating it for others. I’m excited.

Let me know if you ever mentored or had one as an adult (or a student!), or if you now might get (or be one) yourself. 🤩

Lots of love you blimmin’ beauty,

Gail x

Links and things

Alice Benham - amazing business coach

Do Lectures talks

How to ask someone to be your mentor (haha better than I did) from LinkedIn

Why mentors and mentees are both important, from Indeed