Day 8: Pulling a thread to unf*ck a problem isn't comfortable

But we've got to f*cking start somewhere: The Problem of Too Much Stuff

Hi, happy Monday folks. How are you? It’s very nice to say hello to you everyday.

I’ve had a typically busy Monday morning but in the middle of it all was a very cool new thing - functional breathwork with the amazing Dan, a friend I met at the Do Lectures. I have tried breathwork before (notably very intensely in Thailand when I was fasting for 12 days, twice! And also with my ace friend Helen) but this was a slightly different style, focusing on introducing techniques I can use all the time in daily life.

I thought it was very accessible, really interesting and the practice we did made an immediate difference to how I felt.I’m doing some homework and we’re meeting next week again (online) so I’ll tell you more about it later this week to catch you up and give you a deeper dive. My breath has always been noted as an issue; too shallow, too fast, fight or flight, exacerbating my neck and shoulder pain, putting me in a stress cycle etc, so despite my resistance it’s time I did what I’ve been advised by multiple people I respect, and Unf*ck my breath. That’s coming soon, but today…something a little different.

So many things. In so many places.

I sat down today and I tried to do a wide and broad gathering of f*cks but I got confused. I also caught up in the very first one I landed on, so sat with it and explored the issue a bit. This may be SO UNRELATABLE, but I need to go through it, so bear with me if you can.

It’s pretty mundane: clothing.

This might seem trivial, but as a topic it highlights themes in my life that repeat again and again, and cuts to deeper issues that need to be unf*cked at their root.

The more I sit and have to think through my ‘stuff’ in order to write about it and unf*ck it, the more apparent it becomes that there are:

1. roots of problems and then

2. the symptoms of them that show above ground.

I think part of the reason it’s been hard to map things out is simply that I’ve been looking at the many f*cking irritating or frustrating obstacles, and not acknowledging or see that they’re all symptomatic of bigger, rootier things.

I’m going to try to illustrate with the topic of clothing, which seems completely f*cking tedious I am sure, but is a good lens through which to see underground to the real tubers and roots.

Let’s pull the thread and see what’s there

So, from yesterday my first most used negative word was Overwhelm.

Linked to that is the feeling that my things own me: I have too much stuff

I mean I have all kinds of stuff, but let’s start with the clothes as a tangible example. If I can unf*ck this, then the other categories stand a chance too. You can substitute in your head with whatever thing you have too much of.

So I don’t usually think like this, but when forced to, here are some examples of clothing categories I have:

• Everyday/casual

• Workout

• Hiking (BIG category)

• Evening

• Work/professional

• Fancy/Occasion

• Vintage & collectable (another BIG category)

• Nostalgic and interesting (yes, another big category, including interesting items from all over the world I’ve collected on travels. Not a gloat, just how do I know what to do with them?)

• Cosy and in-the-house

• Things I want to throw away but feel guilty about taking to landfill/overwhelming clothing banks when I know they are inundated with fast-fashion shite (which mine isn’t, but it’s still more ‘stuff’ for them to sort out!)

Now add to that, some other sundries that are clothing related are:

• Scarves

• Gloves

• Belts

• Tights and socks

• Underwear of all different kinds

• Swimwear

• Jackets/Outerwear

And, to a lesser extent (or maybe not): Footwear

Now these things aren’t all in one place. That would make this slightly easier. I am also not a hoarder, so please don’t think of me squeezing between towering dark corridors of newspapers and submerged under bags. I’m not making fun of those that do hoard as it’s a complex condition, but my situation has been exacerbated not by compulsion but by my constant…. movement (and maybe some impulsivity…mayyybe).

When it comes to clothes I am talking; many boxes, rails, bags, and suitcases of this stuff, and in more than (let me think a moment…) four or five locations! Namely:

• My house (rented for summer): in my attic and in some sealed wardrobes in a bedroom

• My parent’s attic

• My room at my parents whilst I am here for this summer

• My ex-boyfriends house & attic storage (we are on good terms, and he is my next door neighbour, but that’s for another incoming long Unf*ckery post or two!)

• In various bags and boxes that move between all the above with me.

Oh the shame of it

There are many things to unpack (lol pun unintended) here, and I feel some shame about bits of it. If I try to focus on those feelings (urghh) then they’re around:

• Having created this problem for myself (deciding to live a ‘nomadic’ life for so long, not being disciplined about knowing what I use and don’t, and therefore putting off the ‘sorting out’)

• Feeling frustrated that I allow myself to collect lovely things just to put them in boxes and move around so much I can’t enjoy them

• My ‘object constancy’, which is sometimes thought to be a characteristic of ADHD. It means that if I can’t see a thing then I often completely forget I have it, so I then will buy another same or similar thing. I have a bit of a feeling of dread that I might find a few similar things when I eventually open everything and lay it out!

• Often having very poor body-image and dysmorphia, interspersed with periods of feeling great about myself (also another post) so I don’t even wear many of the nice things I own because I tell myself I’m not ********** (insert things like thin /small/fit here) enough to do so.

• I have items I should move on and pass to others to enjoy, but I’ve spent so long telling myself that next time I’m ******** (again, insert things like thin/small/fit here) enough then I’ll wear them and enjoy them. But I either forget, or when I am feeling fantastic and want to wear nice clothes they are in a box in another place so I can’t!

• Fucking hell.

So the symptoms are the clothes, the bags, the boxes unopened, the ‘spread’ and the ‘not even knowing’ what I have. F*cking annoying, frustrating and makes me feel shit.

The root problem though seems to be having a life full of things and then making myself nomadic at the same time. Those two things have been in opposition. My need and desire to finally have a permanent home (that I don’t rent out over summers) has been at odds with my desire to travel and be free. I’ve gathered for one, whilst still living the life of the other. Uh-oh.

I’ve been very nomadic for a long time. I’ve worked all over the place for both long, permanent stints (Italy, Hong Kong, London, Bali, Spain etc.) and shorter more transient stints of a few months or sometimes weeks at a time (France, Bahamas, Guyana etc.). This is on top of also living nomadically in the UK for the past 7-8 years when I rent my home out in the summer to pay for my adventures and hikes. When I’m away working or on adventures, the house would be empty anyway so why not get it to help me afford to adventure more? It all worked for a long time. It definitely doesn’t anymore.

I move from bag to bag, half unpacked here or there, essential items misplaced or in places I can’t get to. It’s infuriating and has in recent times become a very rootless and discombobulating way of existing.

But Rome wasn’t built in a day

I don’t think I have any answers today, but what I have done today is be brave enough to pull on one chaotic thread in my life that I know exists, look at it and begin to examine it. The world didn’t end. I didn’t burst into a ball of shame-flame, and no one is shouting at me (that I can hear). So that’s progress in itself - the looking at the problem and saying hello to it rather than pretending it’s ineffable and unsolvable, and carrying on in a way that doesn’t work.

So what have I unf*cked today?

The Root Problem: It’s clear I need a base for my life right now.

I need a place that I don’t need to pack up my bits and bobs from every season. I need to get back into my own home and not rent it anymore. I am planning to do that in mid-September (more in another post) but that’s a little way off (I’ve blocked off rentals from mid-Sept) and needs more thinking about.

One Symptom: The confusion of too many things, in too many places.

This I can fix a little sooner, starting with clothing. I can go box by box here and start making small decisions every day. My gut desire is to wait until I can get EVERY SINGLE THING I OWN INTO ONE ROOM and then see it all and cull it, but that’s not feasible really and will mean I just keep kicking it down the road because I don’t have an empty room to hang it all up in right now, as much as I would love to do this. (Um, anyone local got a space they can lend me for an intensive day of culling clothing etc, and perhaps wants to lend a hand? Ha!).

So this week I commit to thinning out…. I’m not sure yet. One bag? One drawer? One huge box? Let me have a think. But I commit to moving some stuff on. I’ll take some pics and report back as I go, but I’ll try for a small, manageable amount. Maybe with consistent baby steps of culling, sharing, recycling, selling on, gifting and binning (last resort), by the time I can get back in my house I won’t be carting boxes of the past and things I don’t need back into my lovely fresh space, but just the things I’ve thought through and do need. Then I really can breathe!

Oh, I’ve just seen the link. I genuinely hadn’t before. 😳 Breathwork this morning AND THEN the decision to cull things = easier to breathe and less suffocation. Wild.

It’s not just clothes, is it.

It’s clothing today, but I could easily be talking about books, electronics, toys, toxic relationships, expectations we hold of ourselves, the expectations of others or even our unwieldy to-do lists. We’re holding on to stuff we don’t know what to do with, and we’re ignoring the fact that we can deal with it, it’s just the starting is hard and it’s so easy to be ‘too busy. I can promise you that listing all that out today wasn’t as hard as I thought, and the shamey bit feels gross but it goes. I feel good, like I’m making a bit of progress, and I bet you are too.

Ok, that was a long one but it helped a lot. Thanks for being here folks. Please do tell me if you feel like you have too much of something or want to cull. We can do it together!

Love you. See you tomorrow.

G x

Some interesting links and cool people

You can find the wonderful breathworking Dan Hussey on his Instagram here as @breatheslowdan. He also has a Substack newsletter launching soon here. More on him and our sessions soon.

Helen Spencer is another breathwork coach. She’s a terrific friend whom I met and became great pals with when she attended one of my Cornish residential writing retreats. She talks with hope, joy and practical positivity about her cancer, sea swimming, van life and breathwork on her Instagram here. I’m also coaching her to write her memoir, and it’s fantastic (and humbling).

Object Constancy vs Object Permanence and ADHD - and interesting blog post about the difference and how the terms might be being wrongly and interchangeably used here